Our Story

The day is October 13th, 2018. Just a normal Saturday. The routine is the same as every other day. Wake up. Go to the gym. Don’t eat breakfast. I haven’t earned it yet. Arrive at the gym with one goal: burn as many calories as possible. Once I am sweating through my clothes, seeing black spots, and having trouble breathing then I can go home. If I haven’t burned more calories than yesterday (according to my Apple Watch) then I haven’t done enough. I’ve never done enough. Ever since my growth spurt, I have continued to get compliments about the fact that I’m not chubby anymore. So, I will do whatever I can to stay skinny. I will never be satisfied with how I look. Ever. After 6 hours at the gym, it’s time to go home. I can finally eat some food. I’ve earned it. Dinner will be the same as usual. Chicken, broccoli, and rice. Before I sit down to eat, I adjust my shorts 5 times in the front, 5 times in the back, and 3 times on each side. A total of 16: my lucky number. If I don’t do it perfectly, then I do it again. And again. And again. Once I eventually finish dinner, it is time to calculate the day’s totals. Calories burned: 5,312. Calories eaten: 1,034. Weight: 119 pounds. Good enough. Let’s do better tomorrow. Go to sleep. Repeat.

For the past six years I have struggled with an eating disorder. For years, my life was a cycle of days just like the one above. To be honest, I eventually reached a moment where my body, my mind, and my spirit were completely destroyed. However, it was at that moment when I realized I was finally ready to get some help. For 2 years now I have been receiving some much needed support from family, friends, and doctors. I am currently up 25 pounds and I feel so so so much healthier! And, more importantly, I am so much happier! Trust me, I will never let my days be like that again! I do still battle my disorder every day. But, the fight gets easier every time.

So, why am I sharing all this? Well, throughout this journey I have learned (and continue to learn) so much. About myself. About food. And about life in general. While I finally have a better relationship with eating, I do still maintain a desire to eat healthy. In my quest for healthy food, I continue to be shocked by how many “healthy foods” have ingredients I can’t even pronounce! Why would I put something in my body that I don’t even know how to say?! Because of this fact, I used to never eat snacks, dessert, or anything that actually satisfied my cravings. After quite some time, I finally decided to step into the kitchen and do something. That is when I came up with this cookie dough recipe. And that is why I created AHAV. Because, all in all, life is complicated. Our food shouldn’t be.